Written by: Fortune Aganbi

I wasn’t expecting to get married this year, 2025. I wasn’t expecting to get married EVER. Why? Because I didn’t want to. As a little girl, I never fantasized about having a husband. Pretending that plastic dolls were my children while I put their lifeless mouths to my pre-puberty breasts in an act of suckling? Yes, but I quickly outgrew that and learned that wasn’t my aspiration either. A husband, though? Nope. Not as a child, not as a teen, not as a young adult dating and undating, not even in my mid twenties when people around me were saying “I do”, not after I crossed twenty-six, too. I briefly pretended to want marriage for a time, but I couldn’t keep up the act. Eventually, I relapsed into my whole “marriage is not for me” thing. Early in our relationship, I told my now-husband (then boyfriend) that marriage was the absolute bottom of my priority list.

And yet, surprise!  Here I am, married, and blinking like, “Did I just…?” Ah! It doesn’t feel like it. It still feels surreal.

Why I changed my mind and how I knew he was worth it is a story for another day. Today, I want to focus on what I chose not to do for my two weddings, plus what I decided to do instead.

Let’s get one thing clear:

Many people end up doing things they don’t want for their weddings out of fear. There is the fear of what people will say, the fear of disappointing parents & friends, and the fear of being judged. But your wedding doesn’t have to be an affair ridden with unnecessary compromises. Of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take advice or make a few sacrifices for loved ones who truly matter. Sometimes it’s worth doing something small to make your family feel special. I assure you, though, you don’t want to be unhappy at your own wedding! Sitting in your wedding with a heavy heart, counting regrets, while everyone else is doing shoki and snapping pics? Count me out. Therefore, if you live to please people and genuinely find joy in sacrificing your desires, this may not be for you. But if you’re just trying to hold on to your voice while piloting the difficulties of an African wedding, please do read on.

A quick note to single women:

Not much is special about marriage. It’s not a prize. I’m married, but I don’t feel any different than I did when I wasn’t. The support of a great partner? The love, kindness, and grace from someone who loves you? That’s beautiful. It’s worth celebrating; it is okay to want marriage based on those things. But please, don’t build your identity on the pursuit of marriage or the absence of a husband. You are not “less than.” If marriage is what you want, please bide your time. But also know this: if it fails, society, especially the merciless Nigerian society, isn’t going to cushion your fall. They will NOT take care of you. Not as a woman. It’s okay not to want marriage. It is OK not to get married until the right person comes along. It is OK to leave a bad marriage that threatens to end your joy and happiness. Don’t let pressure turn your life into a salvage project. You lose much more than you would without a husband in a bad marriage. Time. Energy. Tears. Health.

Overall, I wish genuine love on everyone who seeks it.

Okay. Enough TED talk. Let’s gist.

The Pre-Wedding Decisions

Once my husband proposed and I said yes, I found myself thinking deeply about what I did and didn’t want for our wedding. It was all new because I’d never considered these things. Remember, I never wanted to get married? The only plan I ever had, if I got married, was to keep the guest list small. At the same time, I was dealing with pre-marital anxiety. I knew I was making the right choice, but the transition felt big and a little scary. The timeline was also crazy. We were married very quickly after he proposed! Besides, I knew there would be lots and lots of opinions: from family and friends with good intentions, trying to help by projecting their own version of happiness onto our day. I don’t fault them; it all came from a place of love. I do the same sometimes. But ultimately, the final decisions were up to me. And I wanted the whole process to be as authentic to us as possible. So, as we began planning casually at first, just informing our parents and a few close friends, my husband and I started having honest conversations about what we really wanted. The very first things we agreed on were:

1. Hiring A Wedding Planner

My husband suggested it, and I agreed instantly. It was such an intuitive thing for us to do. I hate stress; he hates stress, so why not? Plus, hiring a planner kept us from dragging family members and friends into logistics and reduced the chances of unnecessary arguments. We did not want to stress them one bit. Did some family members protest? Of course. “700k naira for a wedding planner?” they asked. “We can do it ourselves!” Yes, we know, but thank you, no. Even with the planner, stress still reared its head. But at least it wasn’t coming from within.

2. No Church Wedding:

Neither of us regularly attends church, and we didn’t want the added stress. We did court and traditional weddings only.  Instead of a church wedding, the plan was to invite a pastor to bless our marriage in a private ceremony, at home.  But our parents, oh, our parents. As we were planning, they were planning their own thing. They organized a surprise church wedding on the eve of the reception and tricked us into attending. To this day, we still laugh about it. I did not wear white though.

3. Max 100 Invitees:

Our goal was 100 persons. But then parents happened. The final number? Let’s just say it wasn’t 100. But it wasn’t 200 either, so… can’t complain. Some of the people I saw that day, I had never set eyes on in my life. I’m protective of my space, and I did not want energy that was off around me. I didn’t invite people who never reached out to me, people who did not care about me, people who never invited me to stuff, or the ones I knew for sure, only wanted to size up my spouse. I don’t engage in such pretentious little acts. I loved what my planner said: “If you’ve not spoken with someone more than twice this year or four times in two years, why are they at your wedding?” Exactly.

4. We Kept It Quiet:

We wanted our wedding to be as private as possible. The initial plan was to announce it only after we had done all our ceremonies. There was no pre-vows post, no invitation revealed, and no social media noise. We told our friends and family two months before the court wedding. We posted pictures on Whatsapp only four days before the reception. After we were already legally and traditionally married. Many people think we got married on our reception day. No, we were already almost two months married by that point. And even after posting a few days to the reception, we never posted the invite. Privacy? 10/10, I would recommend it.

Our Court Wedding

We said our court vows at a federal marriage registry. We booked a private ceremony so we did not have to be wedded with other couples present. It was just us and the people who mattered. A smooth process with few family members as witnesses. Here are some things I did not do for my court wedding:

1. I Didn’t Wear White:

I wore a blue satin gown. I never envisioned myself in white. It’s not like I wanted to stand out. I genuinely did not connect to white for my wedding. I know not everyone wears white for their court ceremony o, but many people in Nigeria do, and it wasn’t a trend I wanted to hop on at all, just because. After my mother-in-law told me she wore black for her wedding, I felt validated in my choices. I said, “Say less.” My only regret? That corset betrayed me. I did not wear it properly. Can’t dwell in the past, so we move!.

2. I Used Braids, Not A Frontal:

Frontal installations are stressful, period. They don’t last. And for a small court ceremony? Why suffer? I guess it was also because, in my mind, the whole marriage ceremony wasn’t a big deal and wasn’t a priority for me. I was unwilling to go through more than the necessary amount of stress to make it happen. I recall suggesting to my partner at one point that we should elope! Anyway, I rocked the French braids I’d done the week before. No regrets. And even with the acne stress, my makeup artist nailed it. So, if you’re considering braids for your wedding, go for it. I am rooting for you! People might talk and claim you couldn’t afford something else. But remember, most of these people can’t dare to resist pressure and stay true to themselves. Besides, frontals weren’t even a trend ten years ago. Did brides back then die? Exactly.

3. No Reception:

I have great respect for you ladies who are doing multiple receptions back to back. Honestly, we only planned one reception to celebrate after all the private ceremonies had concluded. After the court wedding, we just had dinner afterward. That’s it. There were no multiple outfit changes, no drama, no stress. The strenght of the lord be with you all.

The Traditional Wedding

I did not attend my traditional wedding. Yup, you read that right. I wasn’t present at my traditional wedding ceremony. There were many reasons for this, most of which I’ll keep private, but our families were completely on board. In fact, it was my father who first suggested it, and it was a massive relief because it aligned perfectly with our vision. I also learned during this time that, in most Nigerian cultures, traditional marriage rites are carried out between the families of the bride and groom. So while it might have been nice to gather with friends and extended family, the fact that we did not need to be there ourselves made that unnecessary. It ended up being a small, parlor ceremony with family members present. That day, they called to ask me, “Are you sure you want to marry this man you brought home?” (laughs in Urhobo). I said yes. The call lasted a minute. My partner and I were working from home, just living our lives, while our families were busy marrying us off on our behalf. When I think back on it now, I just laugh. Who does that? Me. My husband. And… our families.

One of my friends later asked if I was truly happy with how it all went down. Honestly? I couldn’t be happier. It wrapped up so neatly with how I’ve always viewed marriage ceremonies: sweet, meaningful, necessary, but not worth all the stress like that. Emphasis on marriage ceremonies, not marriage itself.

One more thing…

We were also not present for the introduction ceremony, which was held in person. Our parents and families met and introduced themselves to each other.

Important Note: I understand this isn’t common and many families may disagree, but our families did not present any issues. Most importantly, I am not writing this post to tell you what to do at yours. If you want the conventional wedding ceremonies in your heart of hearts, please go ahead and make your dreams come true. This post is just to encourage people who do not want certain things but are scared to say no or be authentic to their needs. Trust me, not everything you want will go as planned, conventional or not, but a large part of it, the parts that truly matter, should be your decision.

Our Reception Ceremony

We decided to have only one reception ceremony to wrap up all the private ceremonies. By this time, we were already legally and traditionally married, privately. Our reception was the grand finale: two months after the court wedding, one month after the traditional wedding, and one day after the church ceremony, our parents tricked us into attending. Even with a planner, it was still stressful. We also did not want to run faster than our shadows with our budget. Again, for me, other things deserved our money than a wedding reception, like traveling. Like a honeymoon. Like vacations. If you know me, you know I love to travel. You can have it all if you want o, but I have priorities. Here’s a list of what I didn’t do:

1. No Bridal Shower:

Firstly, I had zero idea that the bride organizes bridal showers! I live under a rock, honestly. The only two bridal showers I’ve ever attended were surprises planned by the brides’ friends, so I just assumed that’s how it’s done. And I wasn’t even expecting anything. I didn’t know I was supposed to book a hotel, contact a photographer, reach out to vendors, all that. And my wedding planner didn’t even mention it at first, or maybe I missed it. It only came up about three weeks before the wedding, and by then, I genuinely didn’t have the energy to pull it off. So, unfortunately, I skipped it.

But I do owe my girls something. They showed up for me in every way, and I hope I get to plan a proper getaway for us someday. Just good vibes, inshallah, and girl time, no wedding stress involved. They deserve that. Whether married or not, my friends are still my friends for life.

2. No Outfit Changes:

I remember when my wedding planner informed me that I had to wake up at 3 a.m. on the reception day. What? 3 a.m.? For what, exactly? They said reception mornings are usually chaotic, especially with wardrobe changes. There’s something called a first look, second look, third look… ah! Where do people even find the strength? No judgements, but how? 

Honestly, it has to be laziness on my part. And I almost feel bad for being this way. But again, what’s the point? And I ask this as someone who fiercely prioritizes memories. It’s why we invested in a great photographer for the reception. Kamani photography. Look, I know not everyone does multiple outfit changes for validation. But at the time, I had no logical reason to go through that level of discomfort. I’ve long since outgrown the need to seek approval. You like my choices? Great. You don’t? Also great. Nobody’s stopping you from doing all the extras if that’s your thing. No judgements. In fact, I enjoy other people doing these things. But as for me, I had no wardrobe changes. I wore one outfit. I found the dress inspiration on Etsy and got a designer in Anambra to sew it remotely. It was black and gold, and most importantly, it was comfortable. You didn’t like my dress? Okay, bye. I have zero regrets.

3. No Hip Pads:

Brides now wear hip pads? This was news to me o. I found out the morning of the reception.  As my bridal assistant helped me put my dress on, she observed and asked, ‘Where is the hip pad?’

‘Hip pad?’ I looked at her incredulously. ‘Am I supposed to have one?’

‘You don’t know?! It’s what brides do these days?’ she replied.

My reaction was pure laughter. Instagram had me thinking everyone had great hips or skilled editors. It turns out some of you are smuggling pillows down there. I promise, I am not judging. I was good without it. I have friends with great bodies and hips, so I never experienced that kind of thing up close. Make una no vex.

4. No Pre-Wedding Shoot:

This one had me going back and forth so many times. A part of me wanted to, and another did not want to, because my husband and I had already planned a post-wedding photoshoot. You know, for the frames and all that. At some point, I thought, “Why can’t we just do it before the reception sef?” The answer was obvious: I was too lazy, and there was soooo much to do. To be fair, it was mostly my fault. When I pictured how long I’d have to sit through makeup, hair, and potential outfit changes, I convinced my husband to let us stick to the original plan of a post-wedding photoshoot. Weirdly enough, I have no regrets.

5. No Uniform Asoebi Lace:

I genuinely wanted my friends to stand out that day, to dance with me, celebrate with me, and for one to be a chief bridesmaid! My main conflict was that I didn’t want to burden my friends with the cost of buying asoebi. They were already going to be traveling from afar. But they showed so much enthusiasm that I decided to meet them halfway: I told them to go with the same color, a lace, and teal green, but I didn’t impose a specific fabric design. And honestly, they delivered. They looked amazing. I appreciate them so much. As for the chief bridesmaid’s dream… it didn’t happen. My planner said it wasn’t for traditional weddings and might look odd. I didn’t mind looking odd (because that is my thing), but my husband and the person who was supposed to be the best man couldn’t agree on whether they wanted to go along. In the end, he suggested we drop it altogether. I still wanted to do it, but it probably would have looked strange without a matching best man.

6. We Avoided Borrowing Money

Firstly, no one forced us to get married. So why should we burden outsiders? You’d think the flashier the wedding, the richer the couple. But sometimes, the opposite is true. People wallow in debt after their weddings; we did not want that. If you allow yourself to be pressured in this life ehn, especially by Instagram photos, you and your partner will start your life with nothing. If you can’t afford a wedding, don’t do it. Your vows matter. Let guests eat well, hear good music, and have decent photography. That’s it. Everything else should be optional. You can also decide not to organize any ceremony. People might judge you, even friends. But the truth is, after one week, people will move on. They won’t care about the price of your dress or how layered your cake was. But you will still live with your spouse, sorting and building a life. If you prioritize those things, go for it. Just saying. I don’t care about many things like that.

Finally…

I did not write this post to encourage a wave of rebellion. A flashy wedding does not mean a successful marriage. A wedding that is not flashy does not guarantee a successful marriage either. There are no rules. My point here is to nudge you to follow your heart, no matter how crazy it may seem. It is not to tell you to do or not do one thing. It is to inspire you to choose for yourself what you really want your wedding to be. If you want glitz, glamour, and five outfit changes? Go for it, girl! But if you want something quiet, simple, or downright unconventional? That’s okay too. Weddings are beautiful. But they are a one-day or a few-day event at most. Your marriage is the rest of your life. Your marriage is what will make or mar you. So do it your way. And let the world adjust. The world always adjusts.

Till next time… I love you.

Fortune Aganbi