Two weeks ago, I listened to a podcast by Jay Shetty featuring his wife, Radhi Devlukia, where they discussed pregnancy expectations and comments from outsiders.

As someone who celebrated her one-year wedding anniversary this month, I know that feeling all too well. I think the only thing more irking than pregnancy comments is the unsolicited advice people offer women (rarely the man) before marriage about how to keep their home.

In the podcast, Radhi addressed questions like, “When are you having children?” and comments like “You look pregnant.” She stated that some people mean well, but those comments can be insensitive and intrusive.

And I agree.

As a newly married woman in Nigeria, it feels like everyone — family, friends, strangers — expects you to fall pregnant immediately. People start monitoring you. It is always the woman they monitor.

They begin searching for subtle signs:

• You fall sick, maybe just a cough or headache = pregnancy.
• You go offline for weeks = pregnancy.
• You don’t post full-body pictures = pregnancy.
• You visit the hospital for a private health issue = pregnancy.
• You keep your marriage off the internet = preparing for a baby.
• You gain weight = pregnancy.
• Your stomach is bloated = congratulations, baby bump.

After all, a woman’s fertile years are limited. That part is a biological fact, though, no doubt.

In Nigerian culture, marriage is almost synonymous with children. Sometimes it is the main reason people want marriage.

So family and friends who care about you become excited on your behalf. They want to become aunties, uncles, and grandparents. There is care there, but also subtle entitlement. Some people speak from love, while others just want to gossip.

The longer the marriage lasts, the more scrutiny it attracts.

First year, you get some grace.
Second year, some grace with raised eyebrows.
Three years and above, be sure to get judgment, conclusions, and a diagnosis.

The fascinating part is that many people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

What they also don’t realize is that these comments can be triggering for couples trying to conceive and extremely irritating for couples who don’t want children yet — or ever.

Many of us struggle with the concept of live and let live.

So if you’re reading this, here are five reasons you should not make pregnancy comments or ask newly married couples when they’re having kids.

It’s fine to have thoughts. It’s fine to discuss privately in your own space. But don’t scrutinize married couples just ‘because’. Don’t search for signs. If you have children, focus on raising them. If you don’t, focus on the ones you plan to have.

Leave people alone.

5 REASONS YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR BUSINESS

1. They Are Not Ready

The idea that marriage exists only for having kids is one reason many marriages fail. Some people believe getting married without immediate plans for children makes no sense. Not everyone agrees.

A couple can be ready for marriage but not ready for children. They may choose to wait one year, two years, or even five years. That decision belongs to them.

Reasons vary: finances, emotional readiness, wanting to travel together, career focus, health issues, and more.

So pregnancy pressure becomes irritating because… why can’t you mind your business? Did they ask for your opinion?

2. They Are Battling Fertility Issues

Usually, when couples don’t have children early, people assume the woman is the problem.  The woman must either be barren or something.

People don’t imagine that it could be the man. Yet male infertility accounts for almost half of fertility struggles.

Some men have poor sperm quality after years of drinking, weed, and drug abuse. Some are impotent. Women also deal with increasing hormonal and reproductive complications.

You never know if it’s the man or the woman.

A couple could genuinely be trying to have children, but it’s not happening. Some have endured brutal miscarriages and grief.

Now imagine asking such a couple, “When are you having kids?” or saying, “You look pregnant.”

It can be triggering. That is not curiosity. It’s ignorance and lack of consideration, regardless of intent.

3. They Don’t Want Children

You may not understand it, but many couples intentionally choose not to have kids, and the number is growing, even in Nigeria.

People are no longer willing to have children purely to satisfy society or their parents by making life-altering decisions. They don’t want to please society and be left with core responsibilities they didn’t want in the first place.

Having kids has challenges. Not having kids has challenges.

Some parents admit they love their kids deeply, but would not make the same decision to have them again in a different life. Yet childfree couples are harshly judged.

How dare they have freedom? How dare they be selfish? It’s like an abomination.

Science also changed things a lot. Eggs and sperm can be frozen. Surrogacy and adoption exist. And those are options if they ever change their minds.

If you continue to make pregnancy comments to these kinds of couples, don’t be surprised when the couple distances themselves from you.

4. Sickle Cell, Adoption, and Health Issues

We constantly advise genotype compatibility before marriage to avoid sickle cell disease. Some couples discover incompatibility later and choose love over biological children.

That decision is a heavy one.

Persistent pregnancy questions or comments can disrupt their peace and stir guilt.

Some families carry hereditary diseases like aggressive cancers, and a couple can decide not to have kids just to prevent them from suffering.

Some women experience repeated ectopic pregnancies. Some undergo a hysterectomy and other crucial surgeries for whatever health reasons.

Some may decide to adopt. As you would imagine, pestering these kinds of couples about kids can not only infuriate them but also put unnecessary pressure on them.

5. They Are Incapable of Raising Children

Society is slowly accepting that not everyone has maternal or paternal instinct.

We criticize neglectful parents: “Why did you have children when you weren’t ready?”
Then criticize those who consciously decide not to for the same reasons.

Some people know their mental health, physical ability, or lifestyle cannot support raising a child. They know it and are kind enough to spare any child the trouble.

Would you rather they produce children just to satisfy your oversabi and wants, than not?

And if you encourage people to ignore financial, mental, and emotional stability because “God will provide,” I don’t even know what to tell you besides that you are very selfish.

The child bears the consequences of those decisions, not you.

The fact that it worked for one person doesn’t mean it will work for others.

Now What?

Having children is beautiful. Many describe it as the deepest love they’ve experienced. I believe them.

But it is not a universal happiness metric.

There is nuance. There are medical realities. There are intentional choices. But at the end of the day, grace and kindness are crucial when navigating sensitive issues like this.

So next time you feel curiosity rising inside you, ask yourself:

• Is it my business?
• Does it feed me?
• Why do I feel entitled?
• What if they are hurting?
• How does knowing help my life?

If you still feel compelled to speak, say it out of earshot.

Thank you.

And… as always,
I love you.