It’s crazy that it is six months later today after you left that I have found the courage to write about us, my silence, the whispers and the truth. Forgive me, I was gathering storms. It’s been hard. Everything. I do not know why I haven’t taken my life yet. Perhaps it is because my name Hope, reminds me that there could be a chance for redemption and more in the future. But do names really mean more than just names?  Despite the fact that I’m named Hope, it’s the least thing that keeps me going although I must admit it’s there somewhere.

I know I’m rambling. This doesn’t even make sense. I think I’m insane. I’m losing my mind. If not, why should I be writing you now? Of what use is it?

You haven’t appeared in my dream since you left and I think it is strange. When we were together, when my heart was still a whole piece of beating flesh, you visited my dreams very often  like it was your home. You left and suddenly,  your presence in my dreams deserted me too Fred.

How have I been? I do not know really. I do know that I left town and that I killed my neighbor’s dog before I did. You know Papa Chika’s dog na. You know I always thought it was stupid that the dog’s name was Fred. It was fun teasing you with that though but after you left, the dog began to appear more like a demon to me. I saw the reflection of my evilness in its eyes. I killed it.

I’m here in Anambra now and I even killed a cat I found nursing some kittens behind my house two weeks ago.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I kill everything. I  kill things. Things that have life in them. Is this what grief does to one’s soul? Does it make you a monster? You must think I’m a monster already. No, it’s not grief. Grief cannot be this violent can it? It’s guilt. It has to be guilt. You were such a calm soul. You were beautiful. You were handsome and it didn’t matter that you were three years younger than I was. You were everything I needed, everything I wished the universe to give me and of course you arrived on a silver platter. And maybe I should never have insisted that you tried hiking the Rachi mountain. You were not very excited about it because your soul was troubled. We shared a deep connection and you could already sense what I had done. But I had to look for a way to distract you before I could summon enough courage to tell you. In fact I had no such intentions. I needed to keep your mind busy, for how else would I have been able to tell you  that I had slept with your friend the previous night?  Just how would I have been able to say it?

The truth is I did.

I’m human and….fuck it! I am not trying to defend myself but I did lie about having the ability to cope with your erectile problems until you sorted them out. No no. I actually didn’t lie. It was my intention to cope because I loved you deeply. But… I got tired. I got really tired having to stay without sex for months. I should have called it off? Oh well, it’s that easy a thing to do isn’t it? Not when you love someone that damn much. I loved you so much. You can’t even blame your friend because it was all me. It was all me. It was all me but I hate that bastard now. He was your friend. He could have stopped it. He owed you loyalty. But his knees weakened like the traitor he has always been.  The toys you got me weren’t enough anymore Fred. Your Doctor wasn’t being very positive about your condition. I know you tried to make up for it in many other ways. I know you went miles to see that I was happy. This is what makes it so hard, that you put in so much efforts. I did hear you praying some nights telling God to do something because you wanted so badly for me to be your wife and you wouldn’t want to make me to go through that lifetime torture. I also heard you one night telling God to take your life if he wasn’t going to heal you.

Maybe… God never planned to heal you.

Maybe God answers prayers after all, because how did your feet slip so easily that you had to fall all the way from that height that your head splattered against the bottom rocks of Mount Rachi? I should never have insisted on hiking. Maybe you should never have looked down. I can’t remember. Did you look down?

Fred, I feel like shit. I have killed many things just to take away the guilt and the smell of your death. In fact, I even tried killing this thing now growing inside of me. Your friend’s child. Chinedu’s child. It’s crazy. I drank stuffs, swallowed poison, tortured myself, but it stayed remained there stubbornly. It’s annoying. Maybe it’s you trying to punish me. It’s six months gone and sometimes I want to kill myself so it dies too.

Now that I have been able to gather the courage to talk to you, all I want to say is forgive me. I’m sorry, Fred. I’m deeply sorry.
I do hope your soul now resting in peace, forgives me.

You won’t even get this letter but why do I feel you are hovering over my shoulder right now reading it?

You are not actually resting in peace, are you?

Do with me as you please.

Yours eternally,
Gloria.